Woah! What's that? it's 320 in the morning and Emily is still up? Shocking...

Hey hey. Yeah, I'm not really feeling "inspired" But I can't sleep. There's just sooo much to think about. I coulddddd comment back to "really fricken cool kid" Allen but I want to comment at my best and this

 VVV  is not it. 

 

So here I am Blogging world. 

hey hi how you dern?

I'm grrrrrrrreat as you can see

Insomnia at it's best, or perhaps worst

Who knows, who cares?

I'm just sitting here waiting for the girl I'll aways love to text me goodnight so that I know I'll have the same amount of sleep as her so hopefully tomorrow I'll understand how she feels.

I have this electric feel

I'm stoked for tomorrows game. 

I feel like Atlas 

My shoulders hurt. 

I should go to sleep.

My dog will probably wake me up. 

She has a sweet disposition and I love her but man I wanna sleep in. 

You might think this is random. But I'm sure that Mr. Allen and Racho will catch on. 

Hopefully. 

Georgie and Abe woulda been best friends Allen, no frets. 

Bring it on rain.

Put me to sleep now. 

Always a draft, never published...until now.

My armor is cracked. There’s a way in. It’s often labeled insecurity. It’s a vicious hole in my shield. There’s a barren hole that feels the need to be filled. It will take anything. It just wants to be wanted again. It wants reassurance that it is worthy of something. It views this want as a need and it urges me to fill the missing spots with whatever I can find. This void in my protection is growing. It is becoming desperate. I try to fight it but it’s become a part of me. I am slowly losing myself to a fiend that wants to destroy me. This monster wants me to let myself fall backwards into a pit of self destruction. At one time I thought I had a rope to safety but now that rope has been cut off and alas I am still hazardously falling.This devil is demanding that I take whatever form of ‘love’ I can get. Genuine or imitation. Natural of falsified. There’s a tear in my security that threatens the very heart of me. It wants everything I don’t. I want someone to see me imperfectly but love me all the same. It wants someone to lust after me because I give the illusion of flawlessness. I want to be loved equally and with someones whole heart. It wants the upper hand so that the rest of my armor can survive yet another separation. I want to laugh while it makes me hurt enough to cry. I need to smile but this thing is taking that ability from me. I so urgently need to rid myself of this terrible monstrosity. I need to be freed. I need to recognise my capabilities and my beauty. I need to know that I am worthy of love, of true, selfless love. I need that. I need someone to repair my broken armor and save me from myself. Or maybe I just need to save myself for once.

It's been a whole month since I blogged. I'm terrible at this. But it's whatever.

I'm currently sitting in the bed in the guest bedroom. My nose is running, my shoulder is killing me, I have a massive zit on my chin, my hairs a mess, my tattoo itches like crazy, I need a shower real bad, and I woke up at 1 o'clock. Tell me I'm not a winner.  (insert "all I do is win baby girl" comment in my head, possibly said out loud to get the full effect) But hey! I'm in college! Isn't that what my weekends are all about? Sleeping in and staying up all night doing crazy shenanigans? Or am I supposed to be doing homework and studying? Oh crap. I dunno. It's suuuch a choice.

Here's my problem, in high school, I could breeeeeze by with my smarts. Nothing was a challenge or even remotely hard....besides math. But really? Who likes math? Psh. I could have had all A's easily. Shit. I could have all A's in college if I actually went. Which is totally my problem. I can skip class just because I want to. I don't have to be sick, or have a headache, or tired or I have to work. I can just skip because I fricking want to. There is SO much freedom in college. So much. It's weird and I'm still getting used to it. I need to find a balance between fun and play. But my kid at heart is always going to choose play.