I have been having a hard time lately in life. I have this feeling of being...what’s a good word? Stuck?

We’ll go with stuck. It’s like I fell into a vat of quicksand. We always were warned about quicksand when we were kids. It was a big deal. How many cartoon characters and people like Indiana Jones got perpetually stuck in quicksand? Tons! Those shows made it seem like we would but running along and fall into quicksand at any moment in time. That doesn't happen, at least to me anyway. I’m sorry for whomever it does happen to. That must suck.

Metaphorically tho? I fell into some nasty ass quicksand. I can’t move or wiggle and sometimes it feels as if I can’t breathe for fear of falling even deeper in this exasperatingly difficult trap.

I should take a moment here. I can’t complain. I have it good. I really do. I live with this adorably dorky and handsome young man who I also have the pleasure of calling my own. I have two beautiful dogs that might be semi-retarded sometimes but make up for it in the absolute adoration they have in their eyes every time they look at me. I have a wonderful family that loves and supports me in everything and anything I do. I have a steady 40 hour a week job that pays decently well and I work with some awesome people. I am in good health with no major physical flaws. I have friends and other fun activities to look forward to and keep me entertained. I shouldn't complain but I do. I can’t shake this feeling of stuckiness. (I know that’s not a word but in this instance I’m using it)

I feel weighted down. I feel like I am a little too grown up for a 21 year old. I feel...stuck.

All of the above listed things are reasons I feel stuck.

I love my boyfriend. I really honest to God do. I adore him. He makes me laugh and feel a range of emotions that I didn't think was possible. He supports me and is fair in everything he does. He loves me for me and I love that. But I’m stuck. I’m stuck with being a 21 year old on the straight and narrow path to get married and pop out babies. That scares the shit out of me.

I love my dogs. I really would cry for seems like ever if anything were to ever happen to them. But my dogs are my leash. They’re my leash to my house. I can’t just stay out all day and night and not step foot into my house for a couple days just because I don’t want to go home. I have to take care of them. They are my responsibility. I’m stuck with them.

I love my family. They've been by my side for my entire life. I've always respected their opinions of me and would hate to fault in their eyes. They live here. I don’t want to but I’m stuck because I can’t bear to leave them.

I have a job. I can’t say that I love it. It puts food on the table and money in my pocket. It’s not overly hard but it gets to me at times. At this moment in time I am the moneymaker in my home. I can’t quit or find another job because right now this is what works for me. I’m stuck.

I’m in good health. Some people would kill to be 21 and healthy again. But I’m stuck in this body. I have image issues. I see everything wrong and nothing right with my body. I see a mane for hair, zits galore, yellow teeth, double chin, flat tits, poochy belly, thunder thighs, cottage cheese ass, tree trunk legs and weird feet. I see me how I see me. I’m stuck with this body that I can’t change some things about.

I have friends and other things to do keep me entertained. That’s a blessing. It is. butttttt I always feel like we do the same thing. We hang out at the bar. We hang out at our house. I know I shouldn't complain about this at all. It’s stuff for my pleasure that other people don’t have the privilege or time to do. I don’t meet new people or do new things. I don’t try new restaurants and I don’t  order food I've never had. I’m stuck in this rut.

Today I learned that I should really give up on microwavable Chinese food.

I listen to songs on repeat

Click [Play] I don't like change, but then again, who does? What I really mean is I really, really don't like change. I'm comfortable where I'm at and I want it to stay that way. I'm scared of my future because right now I don't have a clue at where it's headed. There's so much I can do and want to do but it's hard. Life is hard. Cliche I know. Trust me, if I had a better way to say it I would have. [Play] I have a wonderful like right now, don't get me wrong. Its just not everything I thought it would be. I thought I'd be away at college and having the time of my life doing things that every normal college kid does. I thought I'd be planning trips to Florida for spring break and staying up way to late by the aid of caffeine. [Play] I imagined life to be beyond amazing. My life is amazing but...its only amazing. It's not what I wanted. Seeing as I'm paying for college myself I took the easy way. I went to a free school for a year, hated it, hated it and hated it. I lost my scholarships and now I'm back to square one. No money and no school. I love my life and everyone in it. I have a completely wonderful family whom I couldn't survive without, great roommates with a wonderful puppy Tucker, [Play] friends that I know will pick me up when I need  it most and a handsome and perfectly sweet boyfriend. I shouldn't complain, I have no reason to. But I want to. I want to throw a big ole hissy fit and say that its not fair that I can't have everything I want. It's not fair that my parents split up when I was a kid and I cant't afford college and and it's not fair that I have to work almost full time to afford a mediocre lifestyle and I don't have a car anymore and and and it's just not fair. [Play] Life is not fair. Cliche, I'll just cover all of them. Life's a bitch. Life sucks. Life life life. I can't complain because at least I have one. I have a life and that means I can do whatever I want with it. And that means change. Something I hate. [Play] I guess I'll get over it. Click [Stop]

Have heart for Joplin

For those of you who may not have heard, Joplin Missouri was hit by a devastating tornado last Sunday. It was an EF5 tornado. It’s path was a mile wide and four miles long. It leveled everything in it’s way. 

Here’s footage of the tornado itself. 
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmXAONuL9tM

Many people lost everyting materialistic but some lost more than that. Some lost family and loved ones. 

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=FJ9C1CNU

 http://www.facebook.com/FindWillNorton

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Joplin-Humane-Society-Animal-Adoption-Resource-Center/144041035612022?sk=wall&filter=2

There’s so many things you can do to help. This website has a list of ways to donate. 

http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/05/23/joplin.how.to.help/index.html?hpt=T2 

There’s T shirts and other ways of helping out too. 

http://bigfishtees.com/home/2011/5/25/hope-for-joplin-tees.html

http://www.mutigers.com/

Joplin is really close to my hometown. I live 2 hours from this devastated town. I want to do all I can to help and I want you to help me. Even if you have no way of donating you can do something as simple as reblogging this to help out. I want as many people to read this as possible. Please have heart. 

I know people reblog things that are similar to this but PLEASE reblog this! Joplin is hurting right now and they need prayers and help. so PLEASE reblog this post!

When you hold my hand, you hold my heart

Holding hands may seem like an innocent gesture, but they show more than a simple interlocking of fingers. Your hands are one of the most essential parts of your body: you build with them, feed with them, hold with them, touch with them, fight with them; they are the tools of the human body. To take a hold of another’s hand is to break from living individually. It is to link yourself to another being, to momentarily entwine your life with another’s, to promise, for a moment, that you need not face the world alone. More simple, more aesthetically naive than other forms of affection, i.e kissing, hugging, sexing, the act of holding hands is often trivialized in its true implications. As the Beatles once said: "All I want to do is hold your hand."

Woah! What's that? it's 320 in the morning and Emily is still up? Shocking...

Hey hey. Yeah, I'm not really feeling "inspired" But I can't sleep. There's just sooo much to think about. I coulddddd comment back to "really fricken cool kid" Allen but I want to comment at my best and this

 VVV  is not it. 

 

So here I am Blogging world. 

hey hi how you dern?

I'm grrrrrrrreat as you can see

Insomnia at it's best, or perhaps worst

Who knows, who cares?

I'm just sitting here waiting for the girl I'll aways love to text me goodnight so that I know I'll have the same amount of sleep as her so hopefully tomorrow I'll understand how she feels.

I have this electric feel

I'm stoked for tomorrows game. 

I feel like Atlas 

My shoulders hurt. 

I should go to sleep.

My dog will probably wake me up. 

She has a sweet disposition and I love her but man I wanna sleep in. 

You might think this is random. But I'm sure that Mr. Allen and Racho will catch on. 

Hopefully. 

Georgie and Abe woulda been best friends Allen, no frets. 

Bring it on rain.

Put me to sleep now. 

Always a draft, never published...until now.

My armor is cracked. There’s a way in. It’s often labeled insecurity. It’s a vicious hole in my shield. There’s a barren hole that feels the need to be filled. It will take anything. It just wants to be wanted again. It wants reassurance that it is worthy of something. It views this want as a need and it urges me to fill the missing spots with whatever I can find. This void in my protection is growing. It is becoming desperate. I try to fight it but it’s become a part of me. I am slowly losing myself to a fiend that wants to destroy me. This monster wants me to let myself fall backwards into a pit of self destruction. At one time I thought I had a rope to safety but now that rope has been cut off and alas I am still hazardously falling.This devil is demanding that I take whatever form of ‘love’ I can get. Genuine or imitation. Natural of falsified. There’s a tear in my security that threatens the very heart of me. It wants everything I don’t. I want someone to see me imperfectly but love me all the same. It wants someone to lust after me because I give the illusion of flawlessness. I want to be loved equally and with someones whole heart. It wants the upper hand so that the rest of my armor can survive yet another separation. I want to laugh while it makes me hurt enough to cry. I need to smile but this thing is taking that ability from me. I so urgently need to rid myself of this terrible monstrosity. I need to be freed. I need to recognise my capabilities and my beauty. I need to know that I am worthy of love, of true, selfless love. I need that. I need someone to repair my broken armor and save me from myself. Or maybe I just need to save myself for once.

It's been a whole month since I blogged. I'm terrible at this. But it's whatever.

I'm currently sitting in the bed in the guest bedroom. My nose is running, my shoulder is killing me, I have a massive zit on my chin, my hairs a mess, my tattoo itches like crazy, I need a shower real bad, and I woke up at 1 o'clock. Tell me I'm not a winner.  (insert "all I do is win baby girl" comment in my head, possibly said out loud to get the full effect) But hey! I'm in college! Isn't that what my weekends are all about? Sleeping in and staying up all night doing crazy shenanigans? Or am I supposed to be doing homework and studying? Oh crap. I dunno. It's suuuch a choice.

Here's my problem, in high school, I could breeeeeze by with my smarts. Nothing was a challenge or even remotely hard....besides math. But really? Who likes math? Psh. I could have had all A's easily. Shit. I could have all A's in college if I actually went. Which is totally my problem. I can skip class just because I want to. I don't have to be sick, or have a headache, or tired or I have to work. I can just skip because I fricking want to. There is SO much freedom in college. So much. It's weird and I'm still getting used to it. I need to find a balance between fun and play. But my kid at heart is always going to choose play.